Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Puppies Preventing Unplanned Teenage Pregnancy

Is the name of my new (read: nonexistant yet) charity. I think it has a nice ring to it, no? PPUTP, for short.

After many long hours spent watching 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom, I realized that there is a very simple solution to the epidemic of teen pregnancy in this country. And that solution is puppies.


*Please note, while I'm somewhat joking, I'm also kind of serious...**

Let's think about this. Why do teenage girls get pregnant?

1. They want someone to love them unconditionally.

2. They want something cute to name, play with, and dress up.

3. They think being responsible for another living being will be easy and fun.

4. They want to keep their boyfriend around.

5. They can't remember to take their birth control properly.

6. They want something that belongs only to them and which no one can take away (well, except for social services)

7. They want to prove that they are mature and independent

Now, can you see how having a puppy would solve many of these issues?

1. There is nothing better than coming home at the end of a long day of high school and part time work at the Quik Stop to a bouncing, tail-yagging puppy that is ecstatic to see you. Sure as hell beats a screaming, poopy baby.

2. Puppies, while squirmy, are still able to be squeezed into baby clothes. Plus it's perfectly acceptable to give your dog a ridiculous, celebrity-inspired name that no child should ever be saddled with (Mango, Rocket, Denim, Kortny, etc.)

3. Ever stayed up all night with a dog who is throwing up two bags of Valentine's candy? Yeah, I haven't either, but my mom did once.

4. I'm not sure a puppy could get a guy to stay in a failing high-school relationship, but it could offer comfort when he inevitably cheats/gets arrested/gets a girl without a puppy pregnant.

5. This is the best one yet. So a lot of teenage girls can't remember to take their pill, right? If they had a puppy, they could just keep it with the puppy's food and take it when they fed the puppy!! Brilliant, I know. Unless they forget to feed the puppy...

6. Well, I suppose animal control could take a puppy, but I hear they are much nicer than the people who take kids. Plus it won't screw a puppy up too bad to be put in a new home wondering what happened to its original mommy or be raised by grandma

7. Nothing like screaming at a cowering puppy after it has had a horrible accident on the carpet and begging your own parents to help you clean it up because it's making you gag to make you realize you are completely unprepared for true parenthood.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Shows you shouldn't watch with your guy

1. Bridezillas/Say Yes to the Dress/My Fair Wedding/4 Weddings, etc.
- Especially if your angling for the ring. He doesn't need this preview of what his life and your sanity might deteriorate into once he's popped the question.

2. Snapped.
- A particular favorite of mine. Turns out making comments like: "Don't these women learn? The hit-man always talks. And a new insurance policy? Dead give-away. **Snorts** Idiots," aren't exactly beneficial to your relationship.

3. 16 and Pregnant/Teen Mom/I didn't know I was pregnant
- Basically any show that has to do with unplanned pregnancies are major no-nos.

4. Bad Girls Club
- Watching trashy drunk girls bitch slap each other might be amusing for you, but...well, actually, he might like that. But the sloppy hook-up sessions and the constant high-pitched screaming? Better save this one for when he's at work.

5. E! News/Entertainment Tonight/Extra/TMZ
- Yes, you need to know which A-list celeb is knocked up by her boyfriend of 2 months, but he probably doesn't even know who she is, much less care what ridiculous inanimate object she's going to name her bundle of joy after.

In addition, if you value your sanity and your relationship, don't try and watch his favorite shows. Yes, he might like you playing the cool girlfriend who hands him the remote, but just one episode of MythBusters or Futurama might be enough to make you question how you can be with a guy who finds this stuff interesting and entertaining.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Starting a new chapter, in more ways than 1

In typical slacker form, it's been almost a month since I posted. Buuutttt, I have an extremely valid excuse in the form of this lovely diamond ring:

In addition to getting engaged (sorry it's kind of a crappy picture), I finally started my new job (going extremely well, thanks) celebrated the holidays, and spent time with friends I hadn't seen in waaayyy too long. Needless to say, all of this craziness left me with about, oh, -10 seconds to write. And to be brutally honest, writing, or at least working on my MS, is not at the top of my priorities at the moment. Sad face.


As a delayed New Year's Resolution, I have resolved to stop buying women's magazines. And to write my blog not just about writing (which hasn't been working too well anyway) and to branch out to write about things I think women might truly care about, find interesting or humorous, etc.

Every month I would stand in line in the grocery store, seduced by glossy magazine covers graced by my favorite celebrities. And every month I was disgusted and bitter that I had spent $4.29 to read "WHAT IF YOUR BOYFRIEND IS SECRETLY GAY!?" or "WHY TAKEN GUYS SEEM SEXIER" (real titles, btw). I cannot even begin to tell you the ridiculous questions I peppered my boyfriend...ooh, fiance!..... with after reading these articles:

Me: Honey, is it possible you're gay?
Him: WHAT!? NO!!
Me: Are you sure? Because this woman in this article was engaged to this guy for YEARS and never knew he was gay!
Him: **rolls his eyes and walks away*

Me: Would you tell me if you cheated on me?
Him: (suspecting a trick question) I would never cheat on you.
Me: Yeah...but if you did. Would you tell me?
Him: What? Yeah, I guess I would tell you. I mean, wait, no! I wouldn't cheat on you! Why are we having this conversation!?
Me: Well, I just read this article....
Him: **rolls eyes and walks away**

I have finally come to the realization that no matter how cute the covers or enticing the titles, these magazines are actually kind of detrimental to women. Their advice is often contradictory and pandering. Telling women that a relationship can come from a hook-up is not empowering. Talking about nothing but sex and clothes and make-up is not empowering. Scaring them with articles about their impending fertility is not helpful. Yes, there are on occasion genuinely interesting and educational articles, which is what I read these magazines for, but they are so few and far between that it's just not worth it.

So, here's hoping that I can make my blog something worth reading.