Query Weary

I've been working on my query letter. UGH. How am I supposed to narrow down a book with a pretty complex plot to two paragraphs? I believe they have a term for this...cruel and unusual punishment. How come I can't just send a letter like this:

Dear Agent,

I'm sending you my whole manuscript. It's waaayy too good to be summed up in 250 words. You just need to read the whole thing. Pronto. Stat. Tonight. I'm not even going to tell you what it's about at all. Bet you really want to read it now, right? You're dying of curiosity, I know. So end the suspense. You know you want to.

Thanks,

Me.

P.S. I'll be expecting an offer of representation tomorrow, preferably before I go to work at noon. K, thx.

Sigh. If only it worked that way. Back to the working on of a real query letter....