Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Hell is other people

See the picture above? That's me. That's what I've been doing for the past two and a half years. I've been trying to get my boyfriend (hopefully future husband)'s family to like and accept me. What I've really been doing is banging my head against a wall. This past weekend my boyfriend graduated and we spent the whole weekend with his family. And I seriously thought that I had finally made progress. HA! Couldn't have been more wrong. Yesterday, the day after they left, they decided it was appropriate to tell my boyfriend how much they don't like me, all the things I did wrong all weekend, and how I was going to end up pregnant and trap him in a marriage. And that's when I realized. They are never going to like me. Never going to accept me into their family. Never going to stop judging me and interrogating me and deciding that I am just. not. good enough.

And for some reason, all of that hurt me. Hurt me so much that I spent hours crying hysterically to the point of making myself sick. Replaying everything I'd said and done all weekend and trying to figure out where I had gone so horribly wrong. Convincing myself that my boyfriend was going to break up with me, because who wants to be with someone their family hates? Then came the worst part: Maybe I am not good enough for him. Maybe I am a failure because I haven't traveled extensively and don't have a flashy job and make a ton of money. Maybe they are better than me. I've never felt lower.

That was last night. That is over. Now I wonder, why do I care so much what they think? Why do any of us care what other people think?

I know that I am smart and funny and loyal. I tell the truth. I care about my friends and my family and my boyfriend, I would do anything from them. I know I am a talented writer and one day I'm going to be published. Yeah, maybe I don't have a great job, but I'm supporting myself and paying my own bills. It's not my job to convince them that I'm a good person. If they can't see it, what can I do? Nothing. I can only be myself and live my life the way I want to live it. I can't force them to like me. I'm done trying. There's only one person in the world I have to make happy. Me.


Lindsay (a.k.a Isabella) said...

Exactly. You can only make yourself happy. The people who love and accept you already know how fantastic you are. Keep smiling. You deserve to be happy.:)

Renae said...

Couldn't have said it better myself. You have to do what makes you happy and surround yourself with people who care about you and build you up. The rest of it will drag you down if you let don't!

Cheree said...

Totally agree. As long as you feel good about who you are, then that's all that matters.

Don't beat yourself up, there probably no one who is good enough for their son.

DaniSue said...

Thank you so much guys, I'm still feeling a little down about it but you are all so right.

Cheree, you got that right! He's her baby and she wants to be the woman in his life.

Deb Salisbury said...

Hugs! They don't sound like people I'd care to hang out with. I strongly agree with Cheree.

Time for chocolate!

Shelley Sly said...

I can relate, and I know it's hard. But it'll be okay. Your wisdom and insight that you've demonstrated here will get you far. Surround yourself with other positive people, and don't give up on this mentality that you have going. Live your life the way you want to. Most importantly, be yourself.

I hope things get better for you!

DaniSue said...

Thanks Deb and Shelley - I told my boyfriend to A) tell his parents he doesn't want to hear it when they talk about me and/or B) do not tell me if they do :)

Anonymous said...

Think of it like this, at the end of the day, who are you trying to impress? If someone likes you, they like you. If not, then who cares about them? They're not cool enough to notice you for who you are.

Parents and adult relationships should be like ice cream and hot sauce, far removed from each other. When they aren't, it can cause the crazy stress you're experiencing.

DaniSue said...

Love the analogy! Or is it a metaphor? Lol, well, either way it is so true. Thanks!